Lately I've had all up beat updates and that's a good thing. But sadly that is not my life. Happy is the face I put to keep those around me happy. Lately I have been feeling more of my own limits and it doesn't feel good. It's almost Christmas and all I can think of is that I wasn't able to contribute in paying for any of the gifts Roger and I bought for our families. I did make things for my nieces, but that was it.

And today Roger's little sister told us how his mom was talking about us, saying that she can't wait til we know what it's like to deal with real life and pay bills. I can't help but think this is my fault. Maybe if my back was alright and maybe if I wasn't always sick some one would hire me and we could pay for bills and move out. But I do have a bad back and I am always sick and no one wants someone who is always sick as an employee.

Roger tries to comfort me, but let's face it, when you're downing yourself no matter what people say it just makes things worse. And it's not them. It's just that you don't know how to be happy with yourself at this point.

I'll get over it and by tomorrow I'll be smiling again. I guess I'll head to bed now. Good night. And have a very Merry Christmas and holiday season.

Puppy Quilt is Done!

So I finished the first quilt I told you all about. I actually finished it two days ago, but I've been busy qorking on the kitty quilt to post.

Ain't it cute? On the bottom two paws it has the year and my niece's name. After finishing it I realized just how much I love making them as well.... sooooooo....

Like any person who finds things they love to do I'm selling them! Not this one though.... This is my niece's and the kitty isn't for sell either. No I'm making custom made rag quilts on etsy! I'll post a link at the bottom of this. Anyways....

I almost finished cutting out everything for the kitty yesterday, but between a spider bite and my hand swelling from too much cutting I decided it was time to take a break around 10 last night when Roger got home from work. So Hopefully tonight or tomorrow the kitty will be done and I will be posting pictures of that. And once I'm finished with that I'll be starting some new projects for my mom and Roger's mom and then my dad as well. And of course both my sisters and Roger and hopefully my brother. Pray I get them all done on time!

www.lunairquilts.etsy.com

Christmas gifts from the heart

So I know this isn't a quilting blog or anything, but I have been sewing a lot lately and so for Christmas I decided to make rag quilts for my two nieces. One is going to be a pink doggy and one is going to be a purple cat. And both will have the other's colors in it for the eyes, nose, and ears. So far I got all the parts for the dog cut out and most of them sewn as individual pieces as of right now.

Once I'm finished each will be 50'' inches long.

So this is what the head of the dog looks like without being sewn together and with a dark pink piece replacing a piece another piece that I have yet to get to yet. This almost takes up my love's mother's sewing table.

I am also planning on making something for both my sister's and my brother, but just in case they read this I'm not going to say what it is until after Christmas.

I will post updates of my progress as I get further along and hopefully on Christmas I'll be able to post pictures of my nieces with them.

I'm Baaack

And sick once again. So I'm in my second month of college, still unemployed and unable to go to the doctor due to no money. Tis is life though. I'm not here to complain though. Just to update everyone on my life.

Within this month my niece has had her first birthday, I've missed almost a whole week of class in all, and I have become almost obsessed with Animal Crossing. Thanks Roger...

I have been putting off all my stories and art projects and have kinda ignored my computer for quite some time now. I am only on it today because I know I need to.

On top of all that I started two online comics about a month ago and they can be found through the links I'll post at the bottom at this post. The first one takes place in the Victorian Era and is mixed with fantasy. Or it will once I get that far. The story follows a young 18 year old boy who has been raising his three year old sister since their parents died only two months after she was born. It also follows the story of a Duke's daughter who finds herself falling for the boy and his life.

The second is about the Greek Gods and the first part "Will My Moon Rise?" is about a forbidden love between Apollo and his sister Artemis. Now keep in minds this isn't based off any myth of them, just my imagination. Also many gods made their siblings their wife/husband so it's really not that strange...

Neither of them have much to them now but they will soon

So here's the links
whitelillies.smackjeeves.com
willmymoonrise.smackjeeves.com

525600 minutes

Ok so I haven't written on here in awhile. I don't know why I just haven't. But now I'm on here with a challenge for myself.

Last night I watched "Rent" and got to thinking. Only like six years ago everyone video taped everything; Why don't we anymore? So I'm chalenging myself to record a year of lives and everything that goes along with this year. I'll be posting small clips from it as often as possible on both my youtube and here. And at the end of the challenge I will be making a movie with all the things I film.

So here starts my first day in the chalenge. Wish me luck!

AFO!!!!

So in about an hour I'll be getting ready to go to an anime convention and I'm really excited. I'll be going all three days and on Sunday I'll be wearing a costume I made. It's a human form of the Pokemon Vaporeon.

Sick Again

I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. Between being sick for the past two weeks and always seeming to be busy I just haven't gotten on. If any of you read my love's and mine co-authored blog book Curse of The Sea, sorry. Roger promised we'd submit a new chapter every Saturday, but its been about three weeks. We do plan on updating soon, but this weekend we're booked.

Yes as the title says I was sick yet again. This time it wasn't just me but also Roger, his brother and sister, and his grandmother. But of course I stayed sick after the rest was getting over it and missed my grandmother's birthday because of it.

Roger is still slightly sick, but we're guessing it's because he got sick after everyone else.

I really don't have anything else to say so I'm going to say good bye and go work on getting some scholarships. Bye everyone.

P.S, Thanks Kio for all the good advice!

Wish it was easier to give up

I'm not going to give up, because its to hard the way that I am. But right now I wish I could. I wish I could say fuck it to everything.

Haven't slept all night. Why? Pain. I was fine most the time at my friend's campfire party. Was actually really tired there to. Got home couldn't sleep. About 2:30 started shacking, having pains, and hyperventilating. Can't go to the hospital, I'm already in debt. Pain killers aren't helping.

If you can't tell I'm snippy right now.

Been watching my love sleep most the night. Wish I could. He looked so peaceful till I woke him up. I feel so selfish now. I don't understand why he isn't mad at me for waking him up. Feel like the world hates me. I thought I was getting better. Thought that things were going to get better. My love made it feel that way...

Nope... It was just waiting for me to lower my guard. Hate this. I feel so pissy right now and I know it is not rational at all. Just tired and in pain.

Does any of this even make sense? It does in my head.... I think.....

Don't know what else to write. My love is reading over my shoulder so I guess it doesn't matter anyways. Seeming I don't have private thoughts I wrote all this here. Don't have a dairy or journal now a days. Everyone would just read those anyways... Any how bye. I'm going to drown myself in sugar....

Growing Up Craziness

As I've stated before I have been moved out of my mom's for a while now. But I have been living with my love and his mom, grandma, and his two younger siblings. Me and him share a room big enough to fit a young child comfortably. I have all my things from my mom's (which could fill a house on their own) plus some of his things, a large desk, a vanity, a dresser, a bookshelf, and about 5+ medium to large boxes. So we have been looking for a nice place to move into to finally finish the "coming of age" transition.

Now I have been looking like crazy but here are the facts. My love works at Denny's part-time and is going to college full-time. I am currently unemployed due to medical reasons and frantically looking for a job that doesn't require heavy lifting or too much manual labor. When we move out I will have to take me cat back from my mom. I will be starting college full-time in the Fall. And on top of all this we don't have a car.

We decided we'll get a car last seeming it'll be cheaper to just ride bikes to and fro school and all. But seriously! If I know being even 18 was this much work I'd never want to grow up when I was little. "I'm going to be a farmer mommy!" Yay right. I can hardly afford one cat. And they take care of themselves for the most part.

Yep tis the life. I guess once we're finally on our own things will fall into place for me. Maybe then I'll remember why I couldn't wait to grow up.

Space & Time Travel

Sweet Goddess

Based off my gaia avatar 

Beach and Art

I actually forgot how much I love the beach. Me and Roger went there today and just got back. It feels nice to just relax and have fun. Usually when I go out somewhere I have to deal with my friends' drama. So now I think I'm going to go to the beach once a week with Roger just to unwind.

Of course from now on I'm going to pack food, an umbrella, and somethings to help me with sand sculptures. Maybe I'll post a few of my sculptures on here. Sound good? Anyways...

Other than just rambling about the beach I also want to post some more of my art below

Ain't it lovely. I did this while I was staying with my dad about a month ago. But I thought it'd be nice to get it up and seen again.

And now life begins

So yesterday was full of every emotion I can think of. I felt weird to be sitting on Cocoa High's football field listening to my classmates talk about high school life being over. I guess it just didn't hit me fully until I was holding that diploma and throwing my cap in the air.

My mom has been waiting for yesterday for a long time now, but when she saw me afterwards she said she wish she could take it back. Now I haven't lived with her for seven months now and I don't ask her for help that much, but I can tell she wasn't ready for the final string to be cut. I love my mom dearly and I know she worries about me. But hey I'm out of high school now and getting ready for the real life to begin. Me and my love are looking for our own car and planning on moving out of his mom's house soon. I'm looking for a new job and working on my physical therapy.

Time really doesn't wait, yesterday went by to fast. I'm no longer a senior or a little high schooler. I'm not the child I was yesterday, but I haven't really changed either. Life has continued and changed and begun again and I'm still the same. Except I'm not the me from yesterday and the past four years. Wow, it's really hitting me hard.

Graduation!!!

I'm writing this in the morning because I'm not sure if I'll have time later tonight. But I'm graduating today and sitting here listening to to graduation music is moving me to tears.

It only seems like last year that I was getting into high school and still dealing with the pity drama of high school life. I can't believe that four years have gone by already. Me and my friends are all close enough that I'm not worried about never seeing them again, but it still feels weird knowing we're no longer walking he same path. I feel like I'm sitting in the back seat while all my friends are driving and enjoying their lives. I know that I am well on my own path and that I have been for awhile, it was just comforting knowing that up till today all my friends' were parallel to mine.

I have to thank some people more than others right now. Because no matter how I look at it, they helped me be me more than anyone else. Like Niccolette who made me join drama and helped me find Roger, my love, and realize that I truly do love threatre. Yes that is a way of spelling it, just an old way. I also have to thank Kat, Mike, and Beans. Those three have stood next to me through so much and were some of the only shoulders I ever cried on. Mike also let me know that I'm allowed to be weak and that I wasn't alone. Kat kept me smiling when I just wanted to give in. She really made it easier to get by with life. And Beans showed me a fun side to everything. My friends Lizzy and Michelle called me "mommy" and gave me people to protect and carry on for through the hard days at school.

And I know both Amber and Morgan have moved away (for now) but these two are truly my two best friends (Mike is too). Amber has been my friend since we were babies and she's like a sister to me. I could always turn to her and always knew that if I really needed her she'd be there, even if there is states away and through a phone. It was hard watching her move right before I entered high school because I thought I couldn't make it through without her. She made me strong, and brave, and willing to fight for myself. She would protect me when I was weak and push me out in front when she knew I could be strong. She means everything to me. And I'm glad I never lost her.

Morgan became my best friend this school year. Me and her should be twins with how much we're alike. She became my right hand girl and I felt like she could be just like Amber. I was right. In her own way though, Morgan gave me the strength to do things that I wouldn't have done without her beside me. I know I act like I'm tough and bitchy a lot but It's only because I have someone like Morgan there to tell me I'm not wrong to do so every once in awhile.

I am who I am today because of those friends I made in high school. And like the Wicked song says
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better, because of you I have been changed for good." And believe me it was for the better. Thank you everyone. I love you all and will miss you as we make our way in this world. I'll never forget you all.

~ Hollie

My Art

This won't be too long. My love just told me I should post my art on here so I thought I would.

I drew this for someone on www.gaiaonline.com 

And so I missed it all... almost

Well since being in the hospital and all i haven't gone back to school. Instead I spent my whole senior year of high school in my room, taking classes over the phone. I missed my class picture, grad bash (if that's even happened yet), and who knows what else. But thankfully I didn't miss my prom. I wore a beautiful dress that Roger's grandma made for for me and a necklace that my mom let me used and enjoyed every second of it. I even went to he beach with Roger and two of my friends, Mike and Beans, and goofed off for about a half hour. Then we got free pizza and hung outside Mikes place till about 2 in the morning. It was great, but it makes me sad to think that's the only senior memory I have. I've been dreaming of my senior year since I entered high school and I can tell you now, all those adults who say these are the best years of our lives... well I hope they're wrong. Cause if these are the best years I'd hate to grow up.

This Saturday is my graduation. I worked hard to make it this far and it feels great that at least my health didn't stop me from that.

On a happier note I found a playscript I wrote for a drama competition at the beginning of the school year and am thinking  of seeing if my friends would act it out and put it up on youtube. So watch out for that in one of my later posts. It might turn into a series.

Well I'll write more later. Bye

A Difference

Have you ever wanted to make a difference any way you can? Or wanted to change something no matter what you lost in the process?

I don't think many people do now a days. And if they do they don't act on it. I've been doing a lot of reading lately, from Greek Mythology to James Patterson's Maximum ride, and in every story someone is doing something that changes everything. 

I know I can't talk to much cause I've not made a big dint in this world, but I know I have made a dint none the less. I also know that even though I knew that many wouldn't like my choices or opinions, including some in my family, I kept doing what I believed in because I wanted to make a difference. I also made a point to try and change something in someone else's life, make a difference to them so that they can turn around and make a difference in another's life.

I don't know why today's world has stopped doing things for the reason of just wanting to make things better for everyone else, but I wish it'd go back to the days of history. The days of standing up against the power and doing whatever it took no matter the cost.

I don't know maybe it's just me. Anyways I gotta go for now. See ya'll.

Ain't it Sad

I don't know why but I felt like writing this.

I think its sad I've been out of normal school for almost three months now and only one of my friends from school have tried to get in contact with me. Thank god for Mike.

Now my friends Nicolette and Freddy gave me hugs and always say hi whenever I'm on school property (twice) and they see me. My friend Issac did once too since my prolonged absence.

But I do have many friends that know where I live and my phone number and none of them call, text, write, stop by, or anything. I feel like they really don't give two shits about me after all I've been through with them and all I've done for them. Now I'd understand if I left after pissing them off or if they didn't know any of my contact information, but still.

This fact actually made me cry many times in the past month, since I've been in the hospital and all. I posted I was in the hospital and no one asked why or came to see me. And even now, though I have talked to maybe three, it was because I was online and wrote them first. And they still didn't ask what was wrong or if I needed someone or anything.

I know I'm a teenager and friends come and go, but I didn't think they left all at once over something so stupid as me being sick out of school for a long time. It's not like I moved to another state.

Oh my friends Micheal and Nicole also talked to me on their own, when I ran into them.

God I'm sad now.

Changing my lifestyle..... Again

So I'm use to changing small things in my life for my health, like cutting out tons of any milk products, but this newest changes, well changes, is hard cause its literally things I've done all my life.
I found out the I have a mild case of degenerative disc disease. Now I have to do simple exercises every day, which takes about a half hour. Not to bad. I also can not bend over to pick anything up, and hardest is learning not to slouch. And yes that is hard. I've always slouched when eating or just relaxing or sitting in class. I bet you do the same thing.
These things may seem small separately, but when you add them on to everything else it really makes you want to cry. Or at least they make me want to cry.
On top of all this I'm missing out on my senior year. I'm actually never going back to class in my school. Instead I'm taking teleclasses because we just can't take the chance of me misses school and not graduating. Which just makes the other thing I found out at the hospital more pronounced. I have depression. And it shows a lot... And at the most random moments.
I'm not really here to complain I just wanted to update this. Today is my love's birthday and we had just gotten home from the movie Red Riding Hood. It was amazing.
Yesterday I made a beautiful cake for my love.
I feel bad for him. I feel like he got the short end and got the broken girlfriend. But he loves me and we're happy. But he's been changing his life too to try and make it easier for me.
Well that's about it for now. Be safe everyone. Bye.  

Just Another Day

So to give you guys a back story, I have been in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals for about eleven years and no one has figured out what is wrong with me. I am now 18, so a good portion of my life has been spent ill. Now I'm not always sick, though it seems like it now a days.

Right now I'm sitting in a hospital bed waiting on test results. They are now testing me to see if there is anything wrong with my brain or nervous system. The newest theory in a long line of theories is that I might have MS.

This morning they took me in for an MRI and about 30 minutes into it my chest started to hurt, not to badly but enough to make me tell them. They got me out and once I was sitting I started to shake and breathing strangely. They rushed me back to my room and hooked me up to heart monitors. Sounds fun right?

Anyways after all my vitals were cleared I kinda passed out and now we are up to date. I am mainly writing this because I think it'll be a good way to vent and also maybe it'll help... somehow....

Anyways I'm gone. I'll write more later sometime.