I'm not going to give up, because its to hard the way that I am. But right now I wish I could. I wish I could say fuck it to everything.
Haven't slept all night. Why? Pain. I was fine most the time at my friend's campfire party. Was actually really tired there to. Got home couldn't sleep. About 2:30 started shacking, having pains, and hyperventilating. Can't go to the hospital, I'm already in debt. Pain killers aren't helping.
If you can't tell I'm snippy right now.
Been watching my love sleep most the night. Wish I could. He looked so peaceful till I woke him up. I feel so selfish now. I don't understand why he isn't mad at me for waking him up. Feel like the world hates me. I thought I was getting better. Thought that things were going to get better. My love made it feel that way...
Nope... It was just waiting for me to lower my guard. Hate this. I feel so pissy right now and I know it is not rational at all. Just tired and in pain.
Does any of this even make sense? It does in my head.... I think.....
Don't know what else to write. My love is reading over my shoulder so I guess it doesn't matter anyways. Seeming I don't have private thoughts I wrote all this here. Don't have a dairy or journal now a days. Everyone would just read those anyways... Any how bye. I'm going to drown myself in sugar....
You know, there have been times in my life when I actually did just say "fuck it" to a lot of things. I've had jobs that I've just up-and-quit without warning (several in fact), and I said "fuck it" to paying rent at one point because it seemed like a huge waste of my time and effort to work so hard just to be able to pay rent at some place--so I slept in my car and just spent all the money I earned.
ReplyDeleteBut now, here I am, searching for another job, planning on getting another apartment, and doing all the things I said "fuck it" to. hahaha.
The one thing I can say, is never say "fuck it" to the things that truly matter to you. Never give up on the things that are really important or the ones that make you really happy.
Just remember that life doesn't always have to be a giant mess. Sometimes, even the irritating things can be entertaining.