I have a sister who I love and and who I share a lot of the same interest with. We get into fights sometimes, but for the most part we can hang out for hours and just have fun. I have a younger brother who though I don't understand fully is an amazing person and our conversations are always interesting. I have another younger brother who I don't want near my friends, but that's because he's a heart throb and he knows it. Other than that he's smart and funny and I love hearing his stories. Sadly these are not my actual siblings. They're my love's and I was just lucky to meet them and become close enough to feel this way towards them. Do I have siblings? Yes. Would I brag about them? Well.... two. My oldest sister Ashley is an angel. Literally. She was a still born many many years before I was even considered. She must be perfect. I know she is in my heart. The other is my step sister Ashley. Same name funny huh. She is younger than me and a mom, but she is working full time and loves her daughter and is much better off than most in her situation. The others? My step brother is MIA. As in he just up and left us. We hear from him every once in awhile but its rarely good news. The other is my half-sister. And yes I must say half. Because a real sister wouldn't make you feel like dying was a better way to make her happy than just being in her life. She's done nothing with her life and throws a fit whenever she doesn't get her way. She will not hesitate to call me a bitch when I try and defend myself and would rather never see me again by the way she acts. I use to look up to her. Wanted to be praised by her. Didn't mind that my dad's family loved her more or that she got special attention from them. Hell I even stood up for her on more than one occasion in the past month now that they've turned on her because she isn't perfect. I agreed to live with her so her and her daughter could live in the house my niece was born in. Let them use mine and Roger's car, babysat without asking for money, let her use my phone because she can't afford her own, swallowed back all the pain and heartache I felt for so long so this might work.... But today... Today she made me realize that only three people... maybe four... in my family has never looked down on me, held me to standards no one could reach, or make me feel belittled over something petty. And those are my great grandmother who passed a week before my 5th birthday, my grandmother who is a saint and couldn't down on anyone, and my aunt and uncle who live so far away that I maybe see them once or twice a year. It feels like if it wasn't for Roger's family and the love they give me though they don't need to I wouldn't have just given up by now and let my soul go somewhere happy. I don't feel as though I am here for any other purpose than to be hurting and to love these two families. The one that hurts in return and the one who loves when they don't have too. I don't know if this is wrong to be feeling or if I sound childish or sound selfish or whatever. But I know that in this moment when I feel like the only ones who'd cry if I died would be my parents for no other reason than they are my parents, if it wasn't for Roger's family no one would miss me. No one would visit my grave other than having to too keep up appearances, no one would buy flowers or mourn me. After a year or two no one would even speak my name or have pictures of me. Other than my mom who I feel almost had too.
My half-sister made me feel like I don't matter to the people who no matter what you're suppose to matter too. And I didn't think she could ever hurt me this bad after everything else she's ever done to me. Thank god that at the end of the month that perfect little sister comes back from her dad's and I can play pretend again....
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
So yesterday I woke up in extreme pain and my mom convinced me to go to the hospital. Though they did not find the cause of my pain they did find out that I have a tilted cervix. What does this mean? Well apparently all it means is that my uterus is tilted towards the back of my abdomen. This is only found in about 20% of women and can cause symptoms such as pain during sex, lower back pains, and on rare occasions a problem with fertility.
I found all this out just moments ago since I wanted to know exactly what a tilted cervix was and the doctors did not explain. So now I know that the bulging discs in my back aren't the only cause for the pains I have had since I was young. There is also only really one way to permanently fix it is through surgery, which is not something I really want to do.
I bet you're wondering about the title about now huh? Well that would have to do with the fact this new found problem with me may cause troubles when I try to have kids some day. I have wanted to be a mother for some time now and it was hard on me when I was told my back problems would hinder that aspect of life as is. Now I have to worry about not even being able to get the chance. I feel like I'm not even female. I feel barren. I don't know if it's wrong of me to feel this way, but I can't help it. I guess I'm just tired of missing out on big events that should happen in every girl's life. I missed almost my whole senior year, almost didn't graduate with my friends, I just barely made prom without getting sick, god knows something when happen around my wedding date (when ever that will be0, and now the chances of my having a smooth pregnancy some day. It just feels like whatever god or dogs or whatever is out there likes to watch me squirm.
Anyways I'm still tired and in pain so I'm going to try to head to bed.
Bye
I found all this out just moments ago since I wanted to know exactly what a tilted cervix was and the doctors did not explain. So now I know that the bulging discs in my back aren't the only cause for the pains I have had since I was young. There is also only really one way to permanently fix it is through surgery, which is not something I really want to do.
I bet you're wondering about the title about now huh? Well that would have to do with the fact this new found problem with me may cause troubles when I try to have kids some day. I have wanted to be a mother for some time now and it was hard on me when I was told my back problems would hinder that aspect of life as is. Now I have to worry about not even being able to get the chance. I feel like I'm not even female. I feel barren. I don't know if it's wrong of me to feel this way, but I can't help it. I guess I'm just tired of missing out on big events that should happen in every girl's life. I missed almost my whole senior year, almost didn't graduate with my friends, I just barely made prom without getting sick, god knows something when happen around my wedding date (when ever that will be0, and now the chances of my having a smooth pregnancy some day. It just feels like whatever god or dogs or whatever is out there likes to watch me squirm.
Anyways I'm still tired and in pain so I'm going to try to head to bed.
Bye
Friday, April 27, 2012
Bull Shit
So I haven't really written in awhile. Sorry about that. But I was in the middle of moving and college and a new job and god knows what else. And so everything I loved doing, like blogging, had to be pushed to the side. But now I'm back and what do I have to say, you ask? It's all bull shit. That's what I have to say.
I moved in with my sister, her boyfriend, and her daughter. Both me and Roger work as much as possible (including babysitting for her) and her boyfriend Charles works such long hours I'm surprised he doesn't pass out on his way home from work. Heidi... She cleans houses with my mom. And yes cleaning houses can be hard and yes it can be stressful, but it's a hell of a lot easier than being a cook on the weekends during the rushes or being a landscaper. Or babysitting. I'd rather clean two houses every day then deal with some of the people at my job and slaving over a hot stove for 8 hours. And then she comes home and gets right on the computer or goes in her room, doesn't play with her kid, or relieve me or Roger from watching her. And complains about everything. "Oh you didn't do the dishes like I asked." No but I cleaned your daughter's room and the living room. "Oh you didn't do the bathroom." No I worked six hours and came home to watch your kid while you had a smoke. Then today Roger and I clean the house, while babysitting. This includes vacuuming, mopping, cleaning behind the fridge and stove, organizing my sewing area, mopping her office area, cleaning the bathroom, dishes, and doing bug patrol. We were tried and achy and thought that was enough. That that would be a fair trade for whatever she decides to do and I could just relax the rest of the day til work tonight, seeming I work graveyard. And what does she do? Bitches about stupid shit. Like the fact her crap was on the table because we had to take the rolling cabinet it was in outside to spray down cause it was filled with bugs. Or that her kids toys were in her room because when we were cleaning the living room (where they shouldn't be anyways) she was sleeping and we didn't want to wake her by tossing toys in her room.
And then on top of Heidi drama I found out that someone I said "Sure come over and hand me $5 and I'll pay for your online games with my debit card" once too somehow used my card without permission to pay for more games without giving me money first. Then all Heidi was try and accuse another friend of mine, who doesn't even know about it, of trying to hide it just cause she went off and on Facebook in a matter of seconds. She does that all the time. I don't know if its cause automatically signs in when she gets on or what, but it does happen all the time. Then when I finally snapped at Heidi cause she wouldn't shut up and wouldn't let me get two words in I snapped and she fucking threatened to punch me in the face. I love my sister and I'd do almost anything for her, but she lays one hand on me I will call the cops. Then she tried telling me I had to leave MY sewing room because she wanted to smoke. Ha. I pay bills here, I bought all the crap for my area, she has no right to demand me to leave anywhere in this house except her's and her daughter's rooms.
Sorry for all the ranting I just had to get it out. Now on to my quilting blog, where I'll be all happy sounding.
Bye guys
I moved in with my sister, her boyfriend, and her daughter. Both me and Roger work as much as possible (including babysitting for her) and her boyfriend Charles works such long hours I'm surprised he doesn't pass out on his way home from work. Heidi... She cleans houses with my mom. And yes cleaning houses can be hard and yes it can be stressful, but it's a hell of a lot easier than being a cook on the weekends during the rushes or being a landscaper. Or babysitting. I'd rather clean two houses every day then deal with some of the people at my job and slaving over a hot stove for 8 hours. And then she comes home and gets right on the computer or goes in her room, doesn't play with her kid, or relieve me or Roger from watching her. And complains about everything. "Oh you didn't do the dishes like I asked." No but I cleaned your daughter's room and the living room. "Oh you didn't do the bathroom." No I worked six hours and came home to watch your kid while you had a smoke. Then today Roger and I clean the house, while babysitting. This includes vacuuming, mopping, cleaning behind the fridge and stove, organizing my sewing area, mopping her office area, cleaning the bathroom, dishes, and doing bug patrol. We were tried and achy and thought that was enough. That that would be a fair trade for whatever she decides to do and I could just relax the rest of the day til work tonight, seeming I work graveyard. And what does she do? Bitches about stupid shit. Like the fact her crap was on the table because we had to take the rolling cabinet it was in outside to spray down cause it was filled with bugs. Or that her kids toys were in her room because when we were cleaning the living room (where they shouldn't be anyways) she was sleeping and we didn't want to wake her by tossing toys in her room.
And then on top of Heidi drama I found out that someone I said "Sure come over and hand me $5 and I'll pay for your online games with my debit card" once too somehow used my card without permission to pay for more games without giving me money first. Then all Heidi was try and accuse another friend of mine, who doesn't even know about it, of trying to hide it just cause she went off and on Facebook in a matter of seconds. She does that all the time. I don't know if its cause automatically signs in when she gets on or what, but it does happen all the time. Then when I finally snapped at Heidi cause she wouldn't shut up and wouldn't let me get two words in I snapped and she fucking threatened to punch me in the face. I love my sister and I'd do almost anything for her, but she lays one hand on me I will call the cops. Then she tried telling me I had to leave MY sewing room because she wanted to smoke. Ha. I pay bills here, I bought all the crap for my area, she has no right to demand me to leave anywhere in this house except her's and her daughter's rooms.
Sorry for all the ranting I just had to get it out. Now on to my quilting blog, where I'll be all happy sounding.
Bye guys
Monday, April 16, 2012
Peter Wells
I decided to look up the obituary of a family friend who died March 9th this year. What I found was depressing. All it said was that he passed and his age. And I believe he deserves more than that. So here it goes...
Peter Wells
56, died Friday March 9th. He left behind a legacy of music and good food. He spent his life living it to the fullest and has left behind a family of friends who will always remember his soulful music and the way he always welcomed them with open arms. He survived cancer and was strong any many ways. His greatest glory in life was a small cafe' called And All That Jazz, that sadly shut down two years prior. Kathy and Lilly, the closest people to him, are left behind knowing they'll see him again and through their sorrows they know he is watching over them. The family he created through his cafe gathered the following Tuesday at the site were many parties were held during the time of the cafe. They played music, gave moving speeches, and brought food to continue on his memory. More than one hundred mourners filled up the small patch of grass and trees between the old cafe and it's neighboring building and over flowed into the parking lot. The sight of all who loved him would have made Peter Wells smile and I know he would be up on the make shift stage playing his mandolin and singing with his band and best friend.
We'll miss you forever Pete. Rest In Peace until we bring the party to Heaven to play with you again.
Now on a side note. This man was the reason I found out I love cooking and is why I decided to open my own cafe' someday. I have decided to call my cafe 'And All That Jazz" in memory of him. I know for sure that when I open it I will be putting this on my menu --> 'Ol' Pete's Gumbo'
This man was so strong, but there was even something he couldn't beat. It's not his fault and none of us hate him or blame him for leaving us behind. He is still with us in memory. And I know he's just waiting for the rest of us so we can continue the music in the after life.
56, died Friday March 9th. He left behind a legacy of music and good food. He spent his life living it to the fullest and has left behind a family of friends who will always remember his soulful music and the way he always welcomed them with open arms. He survived cancer and was strong any many ways. His greatest glory in life was a small cafe' called And All That Jazz, that sadly shut down two years prior. Kathy and Lilly, the closest people to him, are left behind knowing they'll see him again and through their sorrows they know he is watching over them. The family he created through his cafe gathered the following Tuesday at the site were many parties were held during the time of the cafe. They played music, gave moving speeches, and brought food to continue on his memory. More than one hundred mourners filled up the small patch of grass and trees between the old cafe and it's neighboring building and over flowed into the parking lot. The sight of all who loved him would have made Peter Wells smile and I know he would be up on the make shift stage playing his mandolin and singing with his band and best friend.
We'll miss you forever Pete. Rest In Peace until we bring the party to Heaven to play with you again.
Now on a side note. This man was the reason I found out I love cooking and is why I decided to open my own cafe' someday. I have decided to call my cafe 'And All That Jazz" in memory of him. I know for sure that when I open it I will be putting this on my menu --> 'Ol' Pete's Gumbo'
This man was so strong, but there was even something he couldn't beat. It's not his fault and none of us hate him or blame him for leaving us behind. He is still with us in memory. And I know he's just waiting for the rest of us so we can continue the music in the after life.
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