I don't know what to title this

I have a sister who I love and and who I share a lot of the same interest with. We get into fights sometimes, but for the most part we can hang out for hours and just have fun. I have a younger brother who though I don't understand fully is an amazing person and our conversations are always interesting. I have another younger brother who I don't want near my friends, but that's because he's a heart throb and he knows it. Other than that he's smart and funny and I love hearing his stories. Sadly these are not my actual siblings. They're my love's and I was just lucky to meet them and become close enough to feel this way towards them. Do I have siblings? Yes. Would I brag about them? Well.... two. My oldest sister Ashley is an angel. Literally. She was a still born many many years before I was even considered. She must be perfect. I know she is in my heart. The other is my step sister Ashley. Same name funny huh. She is younger than me and a mom, but she is working full time and loves her daughter and is much better off than most in her situation. The others? My step brother is MIA. As in he just up and left us. We hear from him every once in awhile but its rarely good news. The other is my half-sister. And yes I must say half. Because a real sister wouldn't make you feel like dying was a better way to make her happy than just being in her life. She's done nothing with her life and throws a fit whenever she doesn't get her way. She will not hesitate to call me a bitch when I try and defend myself and would rather never see me again by the way she acts. I use to look up to her. Wanted to be praised by her. Didn't mind that my dad's family loved her more or that she got special attention from them. Hell I even stood up for her on more than one occasion in the past month now that they've turned on her because she isn't perfect. I agreed to live with her so her and her daughter could live in the house my niece was born in. Let them use mine and Roger's car, babysat without asking for money, let her use my phone because she can't afford her own, swallowed back all the pain and heartache I felt for so long so this might work.... But today... Today she made me realize that only three people... maybe four... in my family has never looked down on me, held me to standards no one could reach, or make me feel belittled over something petty. And those are my great grandmother who passed a week before my 5th birthday, my grandmother who is a saint and couldn't down on anyone, and my aunt and uncle who live so far away that I maybe see them once or twice a year. It feels like if it wasn't for Roger's family and the love they give me though they don't need to I wouldn't have just given up by now and let my soul go somewhere happy. I don't feel as though I am here for any other purpose than to be hurting and to love these two families. The one that hurts in return and the one who loves when they don't have too. I don't know if this is wrong to be feeling or if I sound childish or sound selfish or whatever. But I know that in this moment when I feel like the only ones who'd cry if I died would be my parents for no other reason than they are my parents, if it wasn't for Roger's family no one would miss me. No one would visit my grave other than having to too keep up appearances, no one would buy flowers or mourn me. After a year or two no one would even speak my name or have pictures of me. Other than my mom who I feel almost had too.

My half-sister made me feel like I don't matter to the people who no matter what you're suppose to matter too. And I didn't think she could ever hurt me this bad after everything else she's ever done to me. Thank god that at the end of the month that perfect little sister comes back from her dad's and I can play pretend again....

So yesterday I woke up in extreme pain and my mom convinced me to go to the hospital. Though they did not find the cause of my pain they did find out that I have a tilted cervix. What does this mean? Well apparently all it means is that my uterus is tilted towards the back of my abdomen. This is only found in about 20% of women and can cause symptoms such as pain during sex, lower back pains, and on rare occasions a problem with fertility.

I found all this out just moments ago since I wanted to know exactly what a tilted cervix was and the doctors did not explain. So now I know that the bulging discs in my back aren't the only cause for the pains I have had since I was young. There is also only really one way to permanently fix it is through surgery, which is not something I really want to do.

I bet you're wondering about the title about now huh? Well that would have to do with the fact this new found problem with me may cause troubles when I try to have kids some day. I have wanted to be a mother for some time now and it was hard on me when I was told my back problems would hinder that aspect of life as is. Now I have to worry about not even being able to get the chance. I feel like I'm not even female. I feel barren. I don't know if it's wrong of me to feel this way, but I can't help it. I guess I'm just tired of missing out on big events that should happen in every girl's life. I missed almost my whole senior year, almost didn't graduate with my friends, I just barely made prom without getting sick, god knows something when happen around my wedding date (when ever that will be0, and now the chances of my having a smooth pregnancy some day. It just feels like whatever god or dogs or whatever is out there likes to watch me squirm.

Anyways I'm still tired and in pain so I'm going to try to head to bed.
Bye