I'm BAAACK!

Did you miss me? Probably not. I know I haven't been on in awhile and if your anything like my friends the moment I was gone longer than a week you thought I was dead. But nope I'm still here! I just had a lot of things thrown at me as of late. Like now I babysit a two year old and help my mom with my niece until my sister finds a place of her own. Me and Roger also have moved into our own place and I got a new job that I love! I work at a fabric store! Perfect for me.

Roger is still working at Denny's though he did have a second job for a short period of time at a small diner. It was nice to have the extra cash but we found that the only time we had together was when we were sleeping and often Roger came home to me already in bed. So now he's a one job man unless he finds a small part time job.

I don't know if you guys know but as of recently the flu has been going around like high school rumors. Well because of it both my mom and niece went to the hospital last week. Mom was even put in isolation for three days, which drove her mad. Gabby thankfully was able to come home and me and Roger took care of her. But because of her practically becoming part of my side during that it wasn't long before I was sick. I went to the ER Tuesday with a fever and throwing up. I lucked out with only having a stomach bug thankfully. But the next day I was back in because of chest pains. Turns out I tore my chest wall from getting sick so much. Hurt like hell. Solution? They gave me morphine and watched my head spin and me talk like an idiot. Mom was right I'm fun on drugs. Thank the gods I'm only like that when they give me something in the hospital itself.

But that all for now. I'll write more later. Bye

I don't know what to title this

I have a sister who I love and and who I share a lot of the same interest with. We get into fights sometimes, but for the most part we can hang out for hours and just have fun. I have a younger brother who though I don't understand fully is an amazing person and our conversations are always interesting. I have another younger brother who I don't want near my friends, but that's because he's a heart throb and he knows it. Other than that he's smart and funny and I love hearing his stories. Sadly these are not my actual siblings. They're my love's and I was just lucky to meet them and become close enough to feel this way towards them. Do I have siblings? Yes. Would I brag about them? Well.... two. My oldest sister Ashley is an angel. Literally. She was a still born many many years before I was even considered. She must be perfect. I know she is in my heart. The other is my step sister Ashley. Same name funny huh. She is younger than me and a mom, but she is working full time and loves her daughter and is much better off than most in her situation. The others? My step brother is MIA. As in he just up and left us. We hear from him every once in awhile but its rarely good news. The other is my half-sister. And yes I must say half. Because a real sister wouldn't make you feel like dying was a better way to make her happy than just being in her life. She's done nothing with her life and throws a fit whenever she doesn't get her way. She will not hesitate to call me a bitch when I try and defend myself and would rather never see me again by the way she acts. I use to look up to her. Wanted to be praised by her. Didn't mind that my dad's family loved her more or that she got special attention from them. Hell I even stood up for her on more than one occasion in the past month now that they've turned on her because she isn't perfect. I agreed to live with her so her and her daughter could live in the house my niece was born in. Let them use mine and Roger's car, babysat without asking for money, let her use my phone because she can't afford her own, swallowed back all the pain and heartache I felt for so long so this might work.... But today... Today she made me realize that only three people... maybe four... in my family has never looked down on me, held me to standards no one could reach, or make me feel belittled over something petty. And those are my great grandmother who passed a week before my 5th birthday, my grandmother who is a saint and couldn't down on anyone, and my aunt and uncle who live so far away that I maybe see them once or twice a year. It feels like if it wasn't for Roger's family and the love they give me though they don't need to I wouldn't have just given up by now and let my soul go somewhere happy. I don't feel as though I am here for any other purpose than to be hurting and to love these two families. The one that hurts in return and the one who loves when they don't have too. I don't know if this is wrong to be feeling or if I sound childish or sound selfish or whatever. But I know that in this moment when I feel like the only ones who'd cry if I died would be my parents for no other reason than they are my parents, if it wasn't for Roger's family no one would miss me. No one would visit my grave other than having to too keep up appearances, no one would buy flowers or mourn me. After a year or two no one would even speak my name or have pictures of me. Other than my mom who I feel almost had too.

My half-sister made me feel like I don't matter to the people who no matter what you're suppose to matter too. And I didn't think she could ever hurt me this bad after everything else she's ever done to me. Thank god that at the end of the month that perfect little sister comes back from her dad's and I can play pretend again....

So yesterday I woke up in extreme pain and my mom convinced me to go to the hospital. Though they did not find the cause of my pain they did find out that I have a tilted cervix. What does this mean? Well apparently all it means is that my uterus is tilted towards the back of my abdomen. This is only found in about 20% of women and can cause symptoms such as pain during sex, lower back pains, and on rare occasions a problem with fertility.

I found all this out just moments ago since I wanted to know exactly what a tilted cervix was and the doctors did not explain. So now I know that the bulging discs in my back aren't the only cause for the pains I have had since I was young. There is also only really one way to permanently fix it is through surgery, which is not something I really want to do.

I bet you're wondering about the title about now huh? Well that would have to do with the fact this new found problem with me may cause troubles when I try to have kids some day. I have wanted to be a mother for some time now and it was hard on me when I was told my back problems would hinder that aspect of life as is. Now I have to worry about not even being able to get the chance. I feel like I'm not even female. I feel barren. I don't know if it's wrong of me to feel this way, but I can't help it. I guess I'm just tired of missing out on big events that should happen in every girl's life. I missed almost my whole senior year, almost didn't graduate with my friends, I just barely made prom without getting sick, god knows something when happen around my wedding date (when ever that will be0, and now the chances of my having a smooth pregnancy some day. It just feels like whatever god or dogs or whatever is out there likes to watch me squirm.

Anyways I'm still tired and in pain so I'm going to try to head to bed.
Bye    

Bull Shit

So I haven't really written in awhile. Sorry about that. But I was in the middle of moving and college and a new job and god knows what else. And so everything I loved doing, like blogging, had to be pushed to the side. But now I'm back and what do I have to say, you ask? It's all bull shit. That's what I have to say.

I moved in with my sister, her boyfriend, and her daughter. Both me and Roger work as much as possible (including babysitting for her) and her boyfriend Charles works such long hours I'm surprised he doesn't pass out on his way home from work. Heidi... She cleans houses with my mom. And yes cleaning houses can be hard and yes it can be stressful, but it's a hell of a lot easier than being a cook on the weekends during the rushes or being a landscaper. Or babysitting. I'd rather clean two houses every day then deal with some of the people at my job and slaving over a hot stove for 8 hours. And then she comes home and gets right on the computer or goes in her room, doesn't play with her kid, or relieve me or Roger from watching her. And complains about everything. "Oh you didn't do the dishes like I asked." No but I cleaned your daughter's room and the living room. "Oh you didn't do the bathroom." No I worked six hours and came home to watch your kid while you had a smoke. Then today Roger and I clean the house, while babysitting. This includes vacuuming, mopping, cleaning behind the fridge and stove, organizing my sewing area, mopping her office area, cleaning the bathroom, dishes, and doing bug patrol. We were tried and achy and thought that was enough. That that would be a fair trade for whatever she decides to do and I could just relax the rest of the day til work tonight, seeming I work graveyard. And what does she do? Bitches about stupid shit. Like the fact her crap was on the table because we had to take the rolling cabinet it was in outside to spray down cause it was filled with bugs. Or that her kids toys were in her room because when we were cleaning the living room (where they shouldn't be anyways) she was sleeping and we didn't want to wake her by tossing toys in her room.

And then on top of Heidi drama I found out that someone I said "Sure come over and hand me $5 and I'll pay for your online games with my debit card" once too somehow used my card without permission to pay for more games without giving me money first. Then all Heidi was try and accuse another friend of mine, who doesn't even know about it, of trying to hide it just cause she went off and on Facebook in a matter of seconds. She does that all the time. I don't know if its cause automatically signs in when she gets on or what, but it does happen all the time. Then when I finally snapped at Heidi cause she wouldn't shut up and wouldn't let me get two words in I snapped and she fucking threatened to punch me in the face. I love my sister and I'd do almost anything for her, but she lays one hand on me I will call the cops. Then she tried telling me I had to leave MY sewing room because she wanted to smoke. Ha. I pay bills here, I bought all the crap for my area, she has no right to demand me to leave anywhere in this house except her's and her daughter's rooms.

Sorry for all the ranting I just had to get it out. Now on to my quilting blog, where I'll be all happy sounding.

Bye guys

Peter Wells

I decided to look up the obituary of a family friend who died March 9th this year. What I found was depressing. All it said was that he passed and his age. And I believe he deserves more than that. So here it goes...

Peter Wells

56, died Friday March 9th. He left behind a legacy of music and good food. He spent his life living it to the fullest and has left behind a family of friends who will always remember his soulful music and the way he always welcomed them with open arms. He survived cancer and was strong any many ways. His greatest glory in life was a small cafe' called And All That Jazz, that sadly shut down two years prior. Kathy and Lilly, the closest people to him, are left behind knowing they'll see him again and through their sorrows they know he is watching over them. The family he created through his cafe gathered the following Tuesday at the site were many parties were held during the time of the cafe. They played music, gave moving speeches, and brought food to continue on his memory. More than one hundred mourners filled up the small patch of grass and trees between the old cafe and it's neighboring building and over flowed into the parking lot. The sight of all who loved him would have made Peter Wells smile and I know he would be up on the make shift stage playing his mandolin and singing with his band and best friend.

We'll miss you forever Pete. Rest In Peace until we bring the party to Heaven to play with you again.

Now on a side note. This man was the reason I found out I love cooking and is why I decided to open my own cafe' someday. I have decided to call my cafe 'And All That Jazz" in memory of him. I know for sure that when I open it I will be putting this on my menu --> 'Ol' Pete's Gumbo'

This man was so strong, but there was even something he couldn't beat. It's not his fault and none of us hate him or blame him for leaving us behind. He is still with us in memory. And I know he's just waiting for the rest of us so we can continue the music in the after life.

Lately I've had all up beat updates and that's a good thing. But sadly that is not my life. Happy is the face I put to keep those around me happy. Lately I have been feeling more of my own limits and it doesn't feel good. It's almost Christmas and all I can think of is that I wasn't able to contribute in paying for any of the gifts Roger and I bought for our families. I did make things for my nieces, but that was it.

And today Roger's little sister told us how his mom was talking about us, saying that she can't wait til we know what it's like to deal with real life and pay bills. I can't help but think this is my fault. Maybe if my back was alright and maybe if I wasn't always sick some one would hire me and we could pay for bills and move out. But I do have a bad back and I am always sick and no one wants someone who is always sick as an employee.

Roger tries to comfort me, but let's face it, when you're downing yourself no matter what people say it just makes things worse. And it's not them. It's just that you don't know how to be happy with yourself at this point.

I'll get over it and by tomorrow I'll be smiling again. I guess I'll head to bed now. Good night. And have a very Merry Christmas and holiday season.

Puppy Quilt is Done!

So I finished the first quilt I told you all about. I actually finished it two days ago, but I've been busy qorking on the kitty quilt to post.

Ain't it cute? On the bottom two paws it has the year and my niece's name. After finishing it I realized just how much I love making them as well.... sooooooo....

Like any person who finds things they love to do I'm selling them! Not this one though.... This is my niece's and the kitty isn't for sell either. No I'm making custom made rag quilts on etsy! I'll post a link at the bottom of this. Anyways....

I almost finished cutting out everything for the kitty yesterday, but between a spider bite and my hand swelling from too much cutting I decided it was time to take a break around 10 last night when Roger got home from work. So Hopefully tonight or tomorrow the kitty will be done and I will be posting pictures of that. And once I'm finished with that I'll be starting some new projects for my mom and Roger's mom and then my dad as well. And of course both my sisters and Roger and hopefully my brother. Pray I get them all done on time!

www.lunairquilts.etsy.com

Christmas gifts from the heart

So I know this isn't a quilting blog or anything, but I have been sewing a lot lately and so for Christmas I decided to make rag quilts for my two nieces. One is going to be a pink doggy and one is going to be a purple cat. And both will have the other's colors in it for the eyes, nose, and ears. So far I got all the parts for the dog cut out and most of them sewn as individual pieces as of right now.

Once I'm finished each will be 50'' inches long.

So this is what the head of the dog looks like without being sewn together and with a dark pink piece replacing a piece another piece that I have yet to get to yet. This almost takes up my love's mother's sewing table.

I am also planning on making something for both my sister's and my brother, but just in case they read this I'm not going to say what it is until after Christmas.

I will post updates of my progress as I get further along and hopefully on Christmas I'll be able to post pictures of my nieces with them.

I'm Baaack

And sick once again. So I'm in my second month of college, still unemployed and unable to go to the doctor due to no money. Tis is life though. I'm not here to complain though. Just to update everyone on my life.

Within this month my niece has had her first birthday, I've missed almost a whole week of class in all, and I have become almost obsessed with Animal Crossing. Thanks Roger...

I have been putting off all my stories and art projects and have kinda ignored my computer for quite some time now. I am only on it today because I know I need to.

On top of all that I started two online comics about a month ago and they can be found through the links I'll post at the bottom at this post. The first one takes place in the Victorian Era and is mixed with fantasy. Or it will once I get that far. The story follows a young 18 year old boy who has been raising his three year old sister since their parents died only two months after she was born. It also follows the story of a Duke's daughter who finds herself falling for the boy and his life.

The second is about the Greek Gods and the first part "Will My Moon Rise?" is about a forbidden love between Apollo and his sister Artemis. Now keep in minds this isn't based off any myth of them, just my imagination. Also many gods made their siblings their wife/husband so it's really not that strange...

Neither of them have much to them now but they will soon

So here's the links
whitelillies.smackjeeves.com
willmymoonrise.smackjeeves.com

525600 minutes

Ok so I haven't written on here in awhile. I don't know why I just haven't. But now I'm on here with a challenge for myself.

Last night I watched "Rent" and got to thinking. Only like six years ago everyone video taped everything; Why don't we anymore? So I'm chalenging myself to record a year of lives and everything that goes along with this year. I'll be posting small clips from it as often as possible on both my youtube and here. And at the end of the challenge I will be making a movie with all the things I film.

So here starts my first day in the chalenge. Wish me luck!

AFO!!!!

So in about an hour I'll be getting ready to go to an anime convention and I'm really excited. I'll be going all three days and on Sunday I'll be wearing a costume I made. It's a human form of the Pokemon Vaporeon.

Sick Again

I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. Between being sick for the past two weeks and always seeming to be busy I just haven't gotten on. If any of you read my love's and mine co-authored blog book Curse of The Sea, sorry. Roger promised we'd submit a new chapter every Saturday, but its been about three weeks. We do plan on updating soon, but this weekend we're booked.

Yes as the title says I was sick yet again. This time it wasn't just me but also Roger, his brother and sister, and his grandmother. But of course I stayed sick after the rest was getting over it and missed my grandmother's birthday because of it.

Roger is still slightly sick, but we're guessing it's because he got sick after everyone else.

I really don't have anything else to say so I'm going to say good bye and go work on getting some scholarships. Bye everyone.

P.S, Thanks Kio for all the good advice!

Wish it was easier to give up

I'm not going to give up, because its to hard the way that I am. But right now I wish I could. I wish I could say fuck it to everything.

Haven't slept all night. Why? Pain. I was fine most the time at my friend's campfire party. Was actually really tired there to. Got home couldn't sleep. About 2:30 started shacking, having pains, and hyperventilating. Can't go to the hospital, I'm already in debt. Pain killers aren't helping.

If you can't tell I'm snippy right now.

Been watching my love sleep most the night. Wish I could. He looked so peaceful till I woke him up. I feel so selfish now. I don't understand why he isn't mad at me for waking him up. Feel like the world hates me. I thought I was getting better. Thought that things were going to get better. My love made it feel that way...

Nope... It was just waiting for me to lower my guard. Hate this. I feel so pissy right now and I know it is not rational at all. Just tired and in pain.

Does any of this even make sense? It does in my head.... I think.....

Don't know what else to write. My love is reading over my shoulder so I guess it doesn't matter anyways. Seeming I don't have private thoughts I wrote all this here. Don't have a dairy or journal now a days. Everyone would just read those anyways... Any how bye. I'm going to drown myself in sugar....

Growing Up Craziness

As I've stated before I have been moved out of my mom's for a while now. But I have been living with my love and his mom, grandma, and his two younger siblings. Me and him share a room big enough to fit a young child comfortably. I have all my things from my mom's (which could fill a house on their own) plus some of his things, a large desk, a vanity, a dresser, a bookshelf, and about 5+ medium to large boxes. So we have been looking for a nice place to move into to finally finish the "coming of age" transition.

Now I have been looking like crazy but here are the facts. My love works at Denny's part-time and is going to college full-time. I am currently unemployed due to medical reasons and frantically looking for a job that doesn't require heavy lifting or too much manual labor. When we move out I will have to take me cat back from my mom. I will be starting college full-time in the Fall. And on top of all this we don't have a car.

We decided we'll get a car last seeming it'll be cheaper to just ride bikes to and fro school and all. But seriously! If I know being even 18 was this much work I'd never want to grow up when I was little. "I'm going to be a farmer mommy!" Yay right. I can hardly afford one cat. And they take care of themselves for the most part.

Yep tis the life. I guess once we're finally on our own things will fall into place for me. Maybe then I'll remember why I couldn't wait to grow up.

Space & Time Travel

Sweet Goddess

Based off my gaia avatar 

Beach and Art

I actually forgot how much I love the beach. Me and Roger went there today and just got back. It feels nice to just relax and have fun. Usually when I go out somewhere I have to deal with my friends' drama. So now I think I'm going to go to the beach once a week with Roger just to unwind.

Of course from now on I'm going to pack food, an umbrella, and somethings to help me with sand sculptures. Maybe I'll post a few of my sculptures on here. Sound good? Anyways...

Other than just rambling about the beach I also want to post some more of my art below

Ain't it lovely. I did this while I was staying with my dad about a month ago. But I thought it'd be nice to get it up and seen again.

And now life begins

So yesterday was full of every emotion I can think of. I felt weird to be sitting on Cocoa High's football field listening to my classmates talk about high school life being over. I guess it just didn't hit me fully until I was holding that diploma and throwing my cap in the air.

My mom has been waiting for yesterday for a long time now, but when she saw me afterwards she said she wish she could take it back. Now I haven't lived with her for seven months now and I don't ask her for help that much, but I can tell she wasn't ready for the final string to be cut. I love my mom dearly and I know she worries about me. But hey I'm out of high school now and getting ready for the real life to begin. Me and my love are looking for our own car and planning on moving out of his mom's house soon. I'm looking for a new job and working on my physical therapy.

Time really doesn't wait, yesterday went by to fast. I'm no longer a senior or a little high schooler. I'm not the child I was yesterday, but I haven't really changed either. Life has continued and changed and begun again and I'm still the same. Except I'm not the me from yesterday and the past four years. Wow, it's really hitting me hard.

Graduation!!!

I'm writing this in the morning because I'm not sure if I'll have time later tonight. But I'm graduating today and sitting here listening to to graduation music is moving me to tears.

It only seems like last year that I was getting into high school and still dealing with the pity drama of high school life. I can't believe that four years have gone by already. Me and my friends are all close enough that I'm not worried about never seeing them again, but it still feels weird knowing we're no longer walking he same path. I feel like I'm sitting in the back seat while all my friends are driving and enjoying their lives. I know that I am well on my own path and that I have been for awhile, it was just comforting knowing that up till today all my friends' were parallel to mine.

I have to thank some people more than others right now. Because no matter how I look at it, they helped me be me more than anyone else. Like Niccolette who made me join drama and helped me find Roger, my love, and realize that I truly do love threatre. Yes that is a way of spelling it, just an old way. I also have to thank Kat, Mike, and Beans. Those three have stood next to me through so much and were some of the only shoulders I ever cried on. Mike also let me know that I'm allowed to be weak and that I wasn't alone. Kat kept me smiling when I just wanted to give in. She really made it easier to get by with life. And Beans showed me a fun side to everything. My friends Lizzy and Michelle called me "mommy" and gave me people to protect and carry on for through the hard days at school.

And I know both Amber and Morgan have moved away (for now) but these two are truly my two best friends (Mike is too). Amber has been my friend since we were babies and she's like a sister to me. I could always turn to her and always knew that if I really needed her she'd be there, even if there is states away and through a phone. It was hard watching her move right before I entered high school because I thought I couldn't make it through without her. She made me strong, and brave, and willing to fight for myself. She would protect me when I was weak and push me out in front when she knew I could be strong. She means everything to me. And I'm glad I never lost her.

Morgan became my best friend this school year. Me and her should be twins with how much we're alike. She became my right hand girl and I felt like she could be just like Amber. I was right. In her own way though, Morgan gave me the strength to do things that I wouldn't have done without her beside me. I know I act like I'm tough and bitchy a lot but It's only because I have someone like Morgan there to tell me I'm not wrong to do so every once in awhile.

I am who I am today because of those friends I made in high school. And like the Wicked song says
"Who can say if I've been changed for the better, because of you I have been changed for good." And believe me it was for the better. Thank you everyone. I love you all and will miss you as we make our way in this world. I'll never forget you all.

~ Hollie

My Art

This won't be too long. My love just told me I should post my art on here so I thought I would.

I drew this for someone on www.gaiaonline.com